Anxiety with Sex (sexual Anxiety)
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It is not possible to be extremely anxious and sexually aroused at the same time.
This is a simple truth about the way the body and mind work together.
Unfortunately, many people, predominantly men, do not understand this.
Sexual anxiety is often part of social anxiety (see the article on 'social
phobias' on this site) where people may feel that they are inferior to others in
some important way or where they are too concerned about other people's
reactions to them. When self-confidence is low we are primed to accept negative
beliefs about ourselves on the flimsiest of evidence. With about 40% of the
population having social difficulties at one level or another, it can be seen
that this is, potentially, a major community problem.
The human mind has
a tendency to look for reasons for everything and then to seek out exclusions
even to the 'truth' we then decide upon. That is, even as we decide on something
we are looking around for reasons why this decision is wrong. As a small, soft
bodied species, this would have been a useful survival trait for our distant
ancestors: not being very concerned about change or something new and being
unwilling to fully explore its potential problems, could have proved fatal in a
dangerous environment.
The difficulty is, in the world today, we still
cling to these traits even when they are not useful. When self-doubt is linked
in, this means that the person concerned searches for reasons within themselves
for any perceived problems. For example, the anxious and self-doubting man does
not see a lack of sexual interest in someone whom friends find attractive as an
example of personal taste, but rather as a sign that there is something wrong
with him. If he then tries to generate such an interest in order to be 'normal'
and fails, he is then likely to seek reasons within himself for this. And these
reasons are unlikely to be rational ones; rather they will tend to be of a kind
that is more ready to accept personal worthlessness as the cause than anything
else.
With men coming to Anxiety Care, this often leads to doubts about
sexual orientation. The anxious man begins to wonder if he is attracted to
other men. This almost inevitably leads to excessive concern when he detects
any positive feeling within himself for another man. Unaware that everyone has
a sliding scale of interest in others, he will police his thoughts and emotions.
Again, inevitably, this will mean that he will have thoughts about sex when he
comes in contact with any man he doesn't find totally repellent, because he has
linked attractive men, fear and sex in his mind. This is another trait all
humans have. When something is flagged up in our heads as very important, that
link always occurs. So 'see a good-looking man, think of sex' becomes a chronic
response to this sexually worried man and plunges him deeper and deeper into
self-doubt.
Another area of sexual doubt is when the person concerned
becomes worried about 'performance'. Again, this is almost invariably a male
concern as women don't tend to worry much about this area of sexuality. When
they do, it is often because the male partner has brought this into the bedroom.
As said earlier, maintaining physiological excitement, an erection, is virtually
impossible when the man is very anxious; so it becomes a vicious circle: for one
reason or another, the man has become concerned about his sexuality and/or
performance, so when intercourse seems likely he becomes worried about his
ability to 'do it'. This is very likely to result in loss of erection and a
subsequent huge increase in anxiety, ready for next time, and the time after
that.
When the anxious man manages to maintain sexual performance,
another difficult area is 'spectatoring'. This means the man is watching
himself perform, monitoring his success with little or no concern for his
partner. Not only does this tend to mean that the partner's needs are not being
met as the man is not in touch with her ongoing changes during intercourse, it
also takes away from the natural intercourse cycle where the sexual
attractiveness of the partner plays a major part in eventual sexual release. It
might also mean that the man's involvement in the sexual act is all about orgasm
rather than the intimate celebration of a relationship.
This can lead to
the situation sometimes seen within the Anxiety Care groups, where a man with an
anxiety disorder involving his self-worth has a personal total in his head of
the number of orgasms he requires each week to be 'a real man'. This will have
virtually nothing to do with a loving relationship - the partner's needs just
don't come into this apart from a willingness to be sexually available. A man
with this attitude may also be prepared to give up medication that is helping
with the anxiety disorder if it's side-effects interfere with his perceived
sexual requirements.
Any sexual difficulties that mean that the man is
involved simply with his own needs will, by definition, result in the act of
intercourse not being as pleasant as it might be for either party. If the man
is unable to see beyond filling his needs - reaching the 'real man' goal in his
head - he might find it extremely difficult to work out why this is true, why
his sex life is so unfulfilling. This, for the man with self-worth problems
will, again, set him to looking inside himself for probable causes. These are
very unlikely to involve the real causes: his self-absorption.
A final
sexual difficulty can arise when a man clings to the erroneous belief that men
are always ready, willing and able to perform sexually. This simply isn't true.
All sorts of things may get in the way: tiredness, illness, anxiety as already
discussed, or just not being in the mood. If self-worth is too closely linked to
sexual interest, then the person concerned may view sexual arousal as a means of
checking on normality: a desire for intercourse means everything is all right.
Disinterest in intercourse means that this person is abnormal.
As
with every area of anxiety, it is vital to question 'truths'. That is, catching
oneself in the thought, 'I don't fancy her, that means I'm gay!' The response
then must be: Why does it? What proof do I have of that? What other reasons
could there be? We all have areas of 'truth' in our lives, absolutes we no
longer question, but it is an unfortunate fact that we often integrate things
into this area that are far from true. If a 'truth' is giving us pain, then it
is time to take it out and look at it. The odds are it will then prove to be a
piece of nonsense that we have swallowed whole, given to us by some person or
some group that we respect. We seem to be genetically programmed to accept
without question a great deal of what we are told as children and aspects of
that may well linger on throughout life, attached to little chemical
punishments, like anxiety or fear, if we allow doubt in. But we still have to
make the effort to doubt. Questioning a 'truth' does not mean disrespect to the
person or group that fed it to us, it is instead a requirement of anyone who
wants to grow and develop emotionally. It is hard work but it is essential
activity for the person who truly wishes to be free of anxiety disorder.
This is a simple truth about the way the body and mind work together.
Unfortunately, many people, predominantly men, do not understand this.
Sexual anxiety is often part of social anxiety (see the article on 'social
phobias' on this site) where people may feel that they are inferior to others in
some important way or where they are too concerned about other people's
reactions to them. When self-confidence is low we are primed to accept negative
beliefs about ourselves on the flimsiest of evidence. With about 40% of the
population having social difficulties at one level or another, it can be seen
that this is, potentially, a major community problem.
The human mind has
a tendency to look for reasons for everything and then to seek out exclusions
even to the 'truth' we then decide upon. That is, even as we decide on something
we are looking around for reasons why this decision is wrong. As a small, soft
bodied species, this would have been a useful survival trait for our distant
ancestors: not being very concerned about change or something new and being
unwilling to fully explore its potential problems, could have proved fatal in a
dangerous environment.
The difficulty is, in the world today, we still
cling to these traits even when they are not useful. When self-doubt is linked
in, this means that the person concerned searches for reasons within themselves
for any perceived problems. For example, the anxious and self-doubting man does
not see a lack of sexual interest in someone whom friends find attractive as an
example of personal taste, but rather as a sign that there is something wrong
with him. If he then tries to generate such an interest in order to be 'normal'
and fails, he is then likely to seek reasons within himself for this. And these
reasons are unlikely to be rational ones; rather they will tend to be of a kind
that is more ready to accept personal worthlessness as the cause than anything
else.
With men coming to Anxiety Care, this often leads to doubts about
sexual orientation. The anxious man begins to wonder if he is attracted to
other men. This almost inevitably leads to excessive concern when he detects
any positive feeling within himself for another man. Unaware that everyone has
a sliding scale of interest in others, he will police his thoughts and emotions.
Again, inevitably, this will mean that he will have thoughts about sex when he
comes in contact with any man he doesn't find totally repellent, because he has
linked attractive men, fear and sex in his mind. This is another trait all
humans have. When something is flagged up in our heads as very important, that
link always occurs. So 'see a good-looking man, think of sex' becomes a chronic
response to this sexually worried man and plunges him deeper and deeper into
self-doubt.
Another area of sexual doubt is when the person concerned
becomes worried about 'performance'. Again, this is almost invariably a male
concern as women don't tend to worry much about this area of sexuality. When
they do, it is often because the male partner has brought this into the bedroom.
As said earlier, maintaining physiological excitement, an erection, is virtually
impossible when the man is very anxious; so it becomes a vicious circle: for one
reason or another, the man has become concerned about his sexuality and/or
performance, so when intercourse seems likely he becomes worried about his
ability to 'do it'. This is very likely to result in loss of erection and a
subsequent huge increase in anxiety, ready for next time, and the time after
that.
When the anxious man manages to maintain sexual performance,
another difficult area is 'spectatoring'. This means the man is watching
himself perform, monitoring his success with little or no concern for his
partner. Not only does this tend to mean that the partner's needs are not being
met as the man is not in touch with her ongoing changes during intercourse, it
also takes away from the natural intercourse cycle where the sexual
attractiveness of the partner plays a major part in eventual sexual release. It
might also mean that the man's involvement in the sexual act is all about orgasm
rather than the intimate celebration of a relationship.
This can lead to
the situation sometimes seen within the Anxiety Care groups, where a man with an
anxiety disorder involving his self-worth has a personal total in his head of
the number of orgasms he requires each week to be 'a real man'. This will have
virtually nothing to do with a loving relationship - the partner's needs just
don't come into this apart from a willingness to be sexually available. A man
with this attitude may also be prepared to give up medication that is helping
with the anxiety disorder if it's side-effects interfere with his perceived
sexual requirements.
Any sexual difficulties that mean that the man is
involved simply with his own needs will, by definition, result in the act of
intercourse not being as pleasant as it might be for either party. If the man
is unable to see beyond filling his needs - reaching the 'real man' goal in his
head - he might find it extremely difficult to work out why this is true, why
his sex life is so unfulfilling. This, for the man with self-worth problems
will, again, set him to looking inside himself for probable causes. These are
very unlikely to involve the real causes: his self-absorption.
A final
sexual difficulty can arise when a man clings to the erroneous belief that men
are always ready, willing and able to perform sexually. This simply isn't true.
All sorts of things may get in the way: tiredness, illness, anxiety as already
discussed, or just not being in the mood. If self-worth is too closely linked to
sexual interest, then the person concerned may view sexual arousal as a means of
checking on normality: a desire for intercourse means everything is all right.
Disinterest in intercourse means that this person is abnormal.
As
with every area of anxiety, it is vital to question 'truths'. That is, catching
oneself in the thought, 'I don't fancy her, that means I'm gay!' The response
then must be: Why does it? What proof do I have of that? What other reasons
could there be? We all have areas of 'truth' in our lives, absolutes we no
longer question, but it is an unfortunate fact that we often integrate things
into this area that are far from true. If a 'truth' is giving us pain, then it
is time to take it out and look at it. The odds are it will then prove to be a
piece of nonsense that we have swallowed whole, given to us by some person or
some group that we respect. We seem to be genetically programmed to accept
without question a great deal of what we are told as children and aspects of
that may well linger on throughout life, attached to little chemical
punishments, like anxiety or fear, if we allow doubt in. But we still have to
make the effort to doubt. Questioning a 'truth' does not mean disrespect to the
person or group that fed it to us, it is instead a requirement of anyone who
wants to grow and develop emotionally. It is hard work but it is essential
activity for the person who truly wishes to be free of anxiety disorder.